


Back to Right

by orphan_account



Series: Getting to Oh, God, Yes [3]
Category: due South
Genre: Bottoming, Consent Issues, Dubious Consent, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rough Sex, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-03
Updated: 2012-01-03
Packaged: 2017-10-28 18:54:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/311115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to "Amirite?" and "So Very Wrong."  Makes absolutely no sense without that context.  Final story in the series.</p><p>Ray Vecchio works toward self-acceptance.  Kowalski tries to help, kind of screws up, and kind of makes it okay.</p><p>There are some potentially rather triggery things going on in here, stuff that Kowalski does and says that are not at all cool.  I don't consider it noncon, but again, potentially trigerring.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to Right

Ray had been right to worry that the feelings Kowalski had wrung out of him would take over.  It’s nearly all he can think about, how much he liked it, how much he needs to feel that way again.  He drops off Frannie’s lunch at the 2-7 and stops by Kowalski’s desk (the one that used to be his, and he wonders dimly how much of what used to be his is going end up being Kowalski’s).  Luckily Kowalski’s in, frowning at a statement or a report, making little notes.

 “Can I stop by yours, later?” Ray asks, trying to sound casual.  And Kowalski follows his lead, barely glancing up from his clipboard to say, “Yeah, sure, Braves on TBS, I think like seven or so?”  Ray almost believes that they’re going to watch baseball.  Almost.

 When Kowalski opens his door to him, Ray slips inside, and as soon as the door is closed, he lets himself melt against Kowalski, who holds him for a moment, and then kisses him.  Ray immediately starts sucking on Kowalski’s tongue, and when Kowalski eventually pulls back, Ray asks, “Can we, please, can we, just like last time, please, can we?”

 “Not like last time,” Kowalski says, and Ray barely stops himself from moaning in disappointment.  “Bed this time, no clothes,” Kowalski says, every bit as assertive and decisive as Ray needs him to be.  “And you’re going to be flat on your back.”

 And Ray does moan at that.  Because last time had been so perfect, him on his hands and knees for Kowalski, staring at the wall, at the floor, but not having to see Kowalski.  But if he’s on his back, Kowalski will necessarily be on top of him, and they’ll both be naked and Ray will have absolutely nowhere to hide.  But he told Kowalski to push him, and that’s exactly what Kowalski does: pushes him into the bedroom, pushes him out of his clothes, pushes him back on the bed, pushes his own clothes off and aside, pushes himself on top of Ray, pushes his tongue back inside Ray’s mouth.

 There’s more pushing of various kinds, fingers on skin, fingers on ass, fingers _in_ ass, and by the time Kowalski’s got the condom on, Ray’s moaning steadily, shaking his head back and forth in what is really not mean to be a nonverbal “no” but could possibly be construed as such, because, for the first time since he gave Kowalski explicit permission to do whatever he wanted to Ray, Kowalski _hesitates_ and it really is the worst possible time for him to get… _timid._   All along, Kowalski’s been the driving force, he’s been the man with the plan, questionable style and aggressive smile, and Ray has been just…well, not exactly fine with that within himself but fine enough for what they’re doing.  But now Kowalski’s suddenly there, he’s got Ray under him, cock hard, legs spread, knees up, vulnerable and open to Kowalski, who, like some bad high school joke, really does only have the tip in and is suddenly asking Ray, “Do you want me to stop?  Do you need me to stop?”

 And, Jesus, Ray will honestly fucking _maim_ Kowalski if he stops now, because he’s ready to go through with this next step, he wants and needs nothing more than for Kowalski to be inside him, now that he knows just how good it can feel, and the awkwardness and intimacy of the position aside, the way they’re doing this thing straight-up _missionary_ makes Ray feel even more like he’s the chick here, he hates it but it’s turning him on like crazy.

 “Kill you if you stop,” he tries to growl, but it comes out more like a moaned plea than a macho command, but Kowalski dips his head like he’s getting ready for round two in the ring, and then finally seems to be back on mission, because he just shoves himself the rest of the way in.  And it burns, burns so brightly, and fills Ray so full that he loses everything he is, all his objections, all his memories just burned away by Kowalski, Kowalski inside him, looking down at him, all focus and energy and intensity.  The sight overwhelms Ray and he has to close his eyes, even though a part of him really wants to watch Kowalski while he fucks him.  But he can’t, not now, not yet.  It’s bad enough that he _knows_ Kowalski’s looking at him; he really is not ready to _see_ it.

 Kowalski finds Ray’s prostate, and that’s it, Ray’s so far gone he can’t even hear what he’s saying, if anything, he knows sounds are coming out of his mouth but he has no idea what they are and he’s glad.  Kowalski’s also making sounds, and Ray must be a little more focused on the guy who’s now, oh, fuck, just _pounding_ into him, because Kowalski’s still got it together enough that words are coming out of him.  “Beautiful, oh, Jesus, Ray, you’re so beautiful like this, gonna make you feel so good, you make me feel so good, I love this, love fucking you,” and at the word “beautiful,” Ray starts to squirm, and at the word “love,” he starts to thrash, panicking a little, because these are not words you throw around at a quick fuck, at least not words _he’s_ ever thrown around at a quick fuck, but Kowalski’s everywhere at once, holding him down, and Jesus, the man is _limber_ , because he’s managing to press his torso against Ray’s while still managing to stay lodged inside his ass, although now he’s not moving. 

 And the stillness is worse, because now Kowalski’s silent, like he knows his words were scaring Ray, and all Ray can do is feel, feel the man on top of him, in him.  And Ray’s feelings are still overwhelming; it’s so right, being under Kowalski like this, it’s so where he should have been all his life, where he needs to be for the rest of his life, and holy shit, that is exactly why he did not want to start this in the first place.  He moans his distress as he tries to wrap his mind around this, because it’s all so much more intimate and personal and _real_ than that first time.  He really is turning into everything he was always frightened of being, and these big, scary thoughts should be killing him, but they’re just making him want more until he sighs in resigned compliance.

 “You good?” Kowalski asks, and Ray has to bite back hysterical laughter, because he is so far from good, but he definitely is good for Kowalski to continue, so he takes a deep breath and nods, because that is as much cooperation as Kowalski’s going to get from him.

 It’s enough, though, because Kowalski’s arching up and moving inside Ray again, slowly at first, getting his rhythm back, but he finds it fast, and then he’s back to pounding into Ray, this time at least not using his goddamn _words_ , just groaning and letting out the occasional broken sound that’s probably the start of a word like “fuck” or “shit” or “Christ,” and that’s fine, that’s good, that’s as much as Ray can handle on top of dealing with how much he loves having Kowalski’s dick in his ass, how much better and more terrible this is than the last time.

 Kowalski’s shifting, and Ray sort of wonders why, almost abstractly, because what they’re doing is good, so very good, and he opens his eyes just a little to see what’s going on.  Kowalski isn’t looking at him now, his concentration is on his movements, leaning to his left, and suddenly Ray gets it, Kowalski’s shifting his weight to free his right arm to reach for Ray’s cock, which, to Ray, just like last time, is beginning to seem a little redundant to the whole process, because what seems most important here is Kowalski’s cock and the way it’s inside him.

 “I gotta, I’m gonna,” Kowalski says, and he’s getting nearly impossibly fast in Ray’s ass, but Kowalski is courteous enough that he's gently stroking Ray's cock, riding the fine line between too hard and not hard enough. It’s even better with Kowalski's hand on him, and Ray’s eyes close again as he comes completely apart, Kowalski following him right after.  One day, Ray really wants to see Kowalski come, but this is not that day.

 Kowalski slips out of Ray, and sort of flings himself to one side, landing with a thump next to Ray, and Ray remembers that from back when he was with Irene, that first time, when he was so sure she’d break if he just collapsed on top of her the way he wanted to.  He’d been the same way with Stella, although the idea of Stella breaking from anything he could do to her was laughable.  But Ray could totally take Kowalski’s sweaty weight, but Kowalski’s giving him consideration, and Ray gets a little cold and shivery because here’s yet more proof that he’s the chick here.

 Kowalski senses that something is wrong, and as soon as he’s done dealing with the condom, he bumps Ray’s shoulder and says, “That was great, that was fantastic, I feel so good, please tell me you feel good?”  Ray sighs.  This is exactly what he’d managed to sidestep last time: more of the same kinds of questions he’s been asking women all his life and suddenly he does not feel good.  But he can’t tell Kowalski that, so he tries to get aggressive.

 “You stopped,” he accuses.  “You _wanted_ to stop.”  Of course, that wasn’t it exactly.  He can still hear Kowalski in his mind, _Do you want me to stop?  Do you need me to stop?_ Like some kind of dare.

 He feels Kowalski looking at him, and he opens his eyes to look back.  And, shit, that is a mistake, either opening his eyes, or bringing this up, because Kowalski’s looking at him like Ray’s out of his mind, and like that actually worries Kowalski a little.  Kowalski’s reaching up, touching Ray’s face with care and tenderness, and this is exactly what Ray didn’t want, why he’s picking a fight and misquoting Kowalski.

 Kowalski doesn’t exactly frown, but he’s got those lines between his eyebrows and his eyes are narrowing a little.  “You were _crying_ , Vecchio.  You were fucking _crying_ , and yeah I’m an asshole, but when the guy I’m fucking is leaking out of both his dick and his eyes, I need to make sure that he’s not in immediate danger of _melting right the fuck down_ on me.”

 Oh, God.  Ray hadn’t realized that, hadn’t even known he was crying, and of course he really had been melting right the fuck down, and Kowalski is an asshole, because if a woman had ever been crying while Ray was making love to her, everything would have stopped immediately and for good, but no, not Kowalski, he just checked to make sure that the horniness was outweighing the unhappiness and kept at it.

 And the hell of it, the hell of all of this, is that Kowalski was right.  Ray doesn’t even know what he would have done if Kowalski had stopped and just, fuck, _cuddled_ him or whatever, can’t imagine what that would have been like except he knows it would have been infinitely worse than what Kowalski had done, fucking him right through the panic.

 It’s too much.  It’s all too much.  Ray rolls on his side, away from Kowalski, and as he does so, Kowalski withdraws his hand and lets him go.  Ray stares at the wall and lets it all wash over him: how good it felt to let Kowalski inside the first time, how he felt dominated and possessed and liked it, and how much better it felt to be completely under Kowalski, made him feel not just dominated by Ray but, fuck, actively submissive within himself and how he liked that feeling, _loved_ that feeling.  Had been craving it as much as he dreaded it, and now that he’s had it he knows he’s never going to not want it again. 

 Vaguely, while he’s sobbing out his shame and disappointment in himself, he feels the bed shift and Kowalski’s leaving and part of him is glad, but the bigger part of him wants to stifle his crying and cling to Kowalski and keep him from leaving.  And isn’t that just the cherry on top, he’s Kowalski’s _clingy_ bottom boy.  He’s in a room with Kowalski, and _he’s_ the neediest person there.

 Kowalski’s back, though, almost instantly, kneeling next to the bed on the side Ray’s facing, with a glass of water and a damp washcloth.  Ray coordinates himself enough to sit up a little, takes the water, sips it, hands it back to Kowalski, takes the washcloth and starts mopping up his face.  He doesn’t feel a whole lot better, but better enough to stop with the wracking sobs at least.

 “Jesus, Vecchio, I thought you wanted this,” Kowalski’s saying.  “Tell me I wasn’t completely wrong, tell me I at least got some of it right, tell me I didn’t just fucking _rape_ you.”

 And Ray actually laughs, finding genuine humor in Kowalski _demanding_ to be told he’s not a rapist.  Kowalski must be nearly as freaked out as Ray is, because he’s actually intimidating his witness, and if it had been a rape, Kowalski bringing him water and telling Ray to admit to him that the whole thing was consensual is exactly what certain kinds of rapists _do_ and somewhere in his mind Kowalski knows this, they both know this, they’re cops in Chicago and that’s the kind of thing they’ve been told to look out for when interviewing rape victims.

 “Jesus, Kowalski, who knew you were one of those power-reassurance guys,” Ray manages, still finding it funny, but Kowalski looks absolutely stricken, dropping the glass on the floor with a clatter and water spilling everywhere.  He backs away from Ray, making himself small, showing his empty hands, not making a single noise, trying to be as nonthreatening as he possibly can be, all while looking like he’s about to throw up.

 “You didn’t rape me,” Ray tells him.  “Honest.”  And that does not make Kowalski look any better, he still looks sick and ashamed and Ray is glad, glad that he’s not the only one who’s got guilt and shame because of this.  But he can’t let Kowalski think that about himself.  “I wanted it before, during and after,” Ray says, and he knows that’s the core truth of the matter, the truth he hates but owes Kowalski.  Owes himself.  “Come here,” he adds.

Kowalski approaches him carefully, and Ray slides over, pulling Kowalski back into bed with him.  Tentatively, Kowalski puts his arms around Ray, and Ray leans into him, and he realizes how much he likes the feel of Ray’s body against his, the Ray’s smell reassuring him.  “I don’t want to be your ass boy,” Ray says.  “I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”  Kowalski shudders, minutely, and pulls away, just enough to look Ray in the eyes.

 “You’re not like that,” he states, and yes, that’s what Ray’s been trying to tell himself, since Kowalski first kissed him and made him come in his pants at the mere thought of having something, someone, _Kowalski_ in his ass.  Since Ray started shoving his fingers inside himself, wishing they were Kowalski’s.  Since the first time Kowalski pounded into him.

 “You’re Ray Vecchio,” Kowalski reminds him.  “You’re a strong man, you’re brave, you’re a good cop, you love your family, and this,” here Kowalski makes a vague gesture encompassing them and the bed, “is just between us, it’s nobody else’s business, and it doesn’t make you weak, or less of a man.  If you’ll let me have the right to be, I’m proud of you for everything you are.  I look at you and you’re the man I want to be, and wanting this and letting yourself have it makes you more that man, not less.”

 And Jesus, Ray is not going to cry yet again, but he needs to hear this.  “Who’s the best man you know?” Ray asks him, still pushing him.  “Fraser, am I right?  Remember Victoria?  Did you hate him because of Victoria?  I mean long-term?”

 “No,” Ray says.  “He loved her, he lost his mind over her, and I hated that she did that to him, but I didn’t hate him.”

 “Right,” Ray says.  “So hate me that I’m doing this to you, walk out and never see me again, but don’t, do not, hate yourself for wanting this.  Because maybe I’m the wrong guy to get it from, but you are not wrong for wanting it.”

 “I do want it,” Ray says, for once outside the confines of his own head.  “I want it, and I want it from you.”

 Kowalski pulls him back in for another hug. “And what does that make you?”

 And there’s a kaleidoscope of words in Ray’s head, and while some of them are words like “weak” and “helpless” and “wrong” and “sick,” those words are echoes of what he’s been telling himself, calling himself for weeks, but they’re not as loud as words like “relieved” and “wanted” and even “happy.”  He has to reach for “strong” and “proud,” and they don’t feel natural, but for the first time they’re a possibility.  “Loved,” is another improbable possibility, but Ray wants to save that particular freak-out for another time.  And he knows there will be another time, as many of them as he can get.

 “Human,” is what he settles on.  And Ray hugs him tighter and thankfully doesn’t say anything else.


End file.
